My Lawyer Made Me Change the Name of This Fanfic So I Wouldn't Be Sued
by Evilkitten3
Summary: Anime/Manga Xover. Because when two worlds, quite literally, collide, only chaos can possibly occur. Ed, Envy, Rose (plus baby), Wrath, Hohenheim, and Al end up in the Brotherhood universe, where they meet their manga counterparts. Wackiness, explosions, daddy issues, and various car troubles ensue.
1. In Which Two Universes (Are) Butt Heads

**Summary: When Father tries to absorb God, the Gate opens. Meanwhile, in a parallel universe, Ed is killed by Envy and resurrected by Alphonse. Due to how close the three are to the Gate, they, along with Rose, her baby, Wrath, and Hohenheim, get pulled into the wrong world. Hilarity ensues.**

No matter how similar two worlds are, they will never be the same. No two things will occur at the exact same time and place in two different worlds. Unless, of course, one has a Philosopher's Stone. So Edward Elric, Alphonse Elric, Father, May Chang, Izumi Curtis, Van Hohneheim, Roy Mustang, and Pride were all shocked when the Gate opened up in front of them and dropped out six figures, five of them male, four of them vaguely recognizable, three of them yelling, two of them fighting, and one of them holding a baby.

Ed stared at the suit of armor, so similar to his brother's. Hohenheim stared at the man who looked like a younger (and less blonde) version of himself. Al stared at the girl with the baby who looked suspiciously like Rose Thomas, save for her dark skin color and pink bangs. Izumi stared at the boy lying on the ground in pain (presumably due to the recent loss of his left leg and right arm) who looked like an older version of her dead son. Pride looked at the baby, vaguely curious (no one had told him how babies were made, as Father had decided that only Lust and Greed had really needed to know). Father stared at the two boys trying to murder each other, one of them almost identical to Edward Elric, and the other similar to Envy (save for coloring and the fact that he (?) actually seemed to know how to fight). Mustang didn't stare at anything. Firstly, Madame Christmas had taught him that staring was rude. Secondly, he was still blind and couldn't have stared at anything even if he had felt obligated to. Luckily, May was there and stared for him.

"Die, pipsqueak!" the Envy-lookalike was yelling.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING SO SMALL HE COULDN'T EVEN REACH THE KITCHEN SINK?" the Ed-lookalike yelled right back.

"How did I get here?" the Hohenheim-lookalike asked.

"What's going on? Where am I?" the Rose-lookalike asked. She looked down at herself. "What am I _wearing_?"

"I want my mommy!" the unknown child wailed. The two suits of armor glanced at each other.

"Hi, I'm Alphonse Elric." One of them said, extending his hand.

"Really?" the other asked. "What a coincidence – My name is Alphonse Elric too! That's my brother Ed, our friend Rose, our dad, and our enemies, Envy and Wrath." He glanced at his brother. "I should help Brother out." This turned out to be unnecessary, as Hohenheim-lookalike's question had caught the other Envy's attention, and the Homunculus had decided to try and kill him instead. Oddly enough, the other Ed didn't seem to want to help him. Eventually, Hohenheim took pity on his doppelganger and created a wall between him and Envy.

Envy would have probably thrown a temper tantrum had the child on the floor, who was somehow still alive, grabbed his ankle. Distracted, the green-haired shape shifter glanced down.

"Envy," the kid whined. "It hurts." Envy stared at him.

"Duh, moron." He sneered. "You got your arm and leg torn off."

"So _do something_," the boy complained. Envy's gaze was nothing less than incredulous.

"Wrath." He said flatly. "You are a Homunculus. _You can re-grow your bloody limbs_." The kid pouted.

"But then I won't be able to do alchemy," he pointed out. Envy rolled his eyes.

"So? Make like the rest of us and deal with it." He grinned. "Then again, if you hadn't gone and pissed Master off, you might have your arm and leg still. Hell, you might even be human now. That's what you wanted, right?" The boy nodded, but the Ed-lookalike cut in before the child could say anything.

"Dante wouldn't have made them human even if she knew how!" he yelled, pointing angrily. "And they were _my limbs in the first place_!" the boy – Wrath – stuck out his tongue and pulled down his eyelid with his remaining arm.

"Finders keepers, shrimp," he taunted. Ed's eye twitched.

"WHO'RE YOU CALLING AN ITSY BITSY LITTLE BEAN?" he yelled. The first Ed groaned.

"Was I ever that loud?" he asked. There were several nods. Hohenheim's double stepped out from behind the wall.

"I don't suppose you know where we are," he said. "It's not our world, and it's certainly not the world beyond the Gate." He never got an answer, because Envy and Ed – for the first time in history – teamed up to kill him. Al sighed.

"Why is everybody I know extremely immature?" he grumbled to nobody in particular. Rose was still very confused.

"Why are there two Ed's? Why are the two Al's? Who are you? Does anyone have a spare diaper? Where am I? Why does it look like Amestris exploded? Who's the guy in the toga? Where did Lyra go?" she asked.

"You ask a lot of questions," Envy told her, annoyed. She blinked.

"Do I?"

"_Yes_!"

"All stupidity aside," the other Ed broke in. "Rose has a point." It was Envy's turn to look surprised.

"She does?" he asked. Other Ed nodded.

"Yeah, see, the last thing I remember is an asshole with daddy issues stabbing me through the heart and killing me, then jumping into the Gate shrieking like a howler monkey and– holy crap, are you Scar?" Scar, having just arrived at the surface, looked completely clueless.

"Aren't I usually?" he asked, slightly sarcastic due to having an extremely angsty backstory that he was certain would never be resolved.

"Yeah, but you turned into a Philosopher's Stone!" Al told him. Scar stared.

"Are you sure?" he asked. "I think I'd remember that." Envy snorted.

"No, it was definitely you," he said. "I remember because someone–" he shot the child on the ground a dark look, "–killed Lust just a bit after." The child scowled.

"She was a traitor." He whined. Envy started stomping on his back. "Ow!"

"Shut up," Scar told Envy. "You don't have the right to talk after what you did." Envy shrugged.

"So I killed Ed – whoop-de-do." He continued stomping on Wrath.

"But I'm still alive," Ed pointed out. "Besides, you killed Hughes."

"_You_ killed Hughes?" Other Ed asked, turning to look at the Homunculus.

"Uh, who's Hughes again?" Envy asked. "I've killed a lot of people. I can't be expected to remember them _all_."

"You turned into his wife and shot him," Mustang spoke up. "You can't tell me you've forgotten, especially not after you bragged about it." Envy stared at him.

"'Hi, I'm Envy, nice to meet you too,'" he said sarcastically. "I know who _you_ are, kind of, but where do you get off acting like we've met before?"

"We have," Riza told him. "Ed was there too."

"I was?" Other Ed asked. "I don't remember that."

"No – she means me," Ed told him. Rose started smacking her head against the nearest wall, hoping that something would start making sense. It didn't.


	2. In Which Wrath is Stepped On

**AN: This story has a very, very slight crossover with Terry Pratchett's **_**Discworld**_**, as well as a little **_**Buffy the Vampire **__**Banger**__** Slayer**_**. This story isn't really a crossover, because the **_**Discworld**_** and **_**Buffy**_** characters are there for laughs, and there're only really two of them anyways. Given that this story is **_**also**_** simply there for laughs, this should not surprise you.**__**I should have mentioned this earlier. I chose not to. And that's terrible. Luckily, since **_**Discworld**_** makes about as much sense as card games on motorcycles, this shouldn't really be a problem. If it is, fine. Just don't complain about it, lest I send Mrs. Cake after you.**

"Oh my," Truth cackled, pushing a pawn forward. "This was truly a splendid idea."

"Quite inspired," D'Hoffryn agreed, smirking at the others. He moved a purple elephant three spaces to the right into the fourth dimension. The Lady smirked.

"Why thank you," she said, demurely. "By the way, I hope you know that purple elephants can't enter the fourth dimension unless they are wearing bowties or have a received a bankrupt card from the dead alligator." D'Hoffryn swore as his elephant erupted into purple-tinged flames.

"I'd forgotten," he grumbled. "You're too good at this game, Lady." The Lady simply smiled, materializing a neon green butterfly and sending it over to Bordor (which was in no way a rip-off of Mordor and/or a parody of the word 'border') to feed her miniature statuette of Quetzalovercoatl, which didn't seem to be too thrilled about being fed butterflies, but it kept its grumbling to a minimum, because it was rude to whine in the presence of a lady, especially if said lady was _The_ Lady.

"You cannot cheat Fate," The Lady said simply, backhanding said deity out of the story before he could make another unnecessary cameo.

"So, how do you think they'll do?" Truth asked. The other two glanced at each other. All three started to laugh.

Envy was still stomping on Wrath's back. Apparently it was quite an exciting activity. Wrath had given up on trying to get Envy off, and was instead focusing on regaining his limbs, though Envy's bouncing seemed to be a bit distracting. A few feet away, the more sane people tried to figure what the hell was going on. Father and Pride just stood there looking awkward, Father because the attention wasn't on him any more and he was wondering how many tantrums he would have to throw to get it back, and Pride because he had been reduced to a baby just a few minutes ago and had only been brought back because D'Hoffryn had forgotten the Purple Elephant Rule. Pride, of course, had no way of knowing this and would forever wonder about it (at least, until the author decided she didn't need him around anymore and gave him back to Mrs. Bradley). Such is life.

"I'm Edward Elric," said Edward Elric.

"No, _I'm_ Edward Elric!" yelled Edward Elric. Alphonse Elric, having already introduced himself to Alphonse Elric, just stood by in case a fight broke out.

"I'm Wrath," said Wrath. He waved at Izumi with his partially restored arm, which Envy promptly stepped on. "Ow! Get off, Envy!"

"No," Envy responded. Everybody looked at him, waiting for an introduction.

"…That's Envy," Ed (the shorter one) said, after a few minutes of awkward silence, during which the only sound that could be heard was Envy stomping on Wrath, coupled with Father's rising irritation at being ignored.

"I'm trying to kill you!" Father snarled. "Pay attention to me!"

"I'm paying attention to you, Father," Pride told him. Father gave him a distracted pat on the head.

"Yes, good for you, son," he said.

"I'm not even sure what I'm doing here," Rose commented. "Where is here?"

"It kind of looks like Central if Central got hit by the world's biggest wrecking ball," Wrath observed.

"It does, actually," Al commented. He turned back into a human in a poof of magic alchemy and plot convenience. "Oh, that's convenient." The other Al transformed into a human, except much skinnier, allowing the author to call them Ponytail Al and Beanpole Al.

"Hey, my arm's back!" Ed exclaimed. The other Ed waited for a miracle. It never happened.

"Dammit!" He yelled. Dr. Marcoh popped up in front of Mustang.

"Here, have a plot convenience rock," he said. Mustang glanced at it.

"Looks like a Philosopher's Stone," he pointed out. Marcoh smacked him.

"BITCH YOU'RE BLIND!" he yelled. Mustang healed his eyes.

"Okay, _now_ it looks like a Philosopher's Stone," he corrected himself.

"Daddy issues!" said Envy. He wanted to make sure no one had forgotten about in all the confusion. The author forgetting her favorite character for the sake of plot convenience jokes wasn't really going to improve his self-esteem. I mean, really, who wants to know that they're second to jokes that have no context, come out of nowhere, are never explained, make no sense, and are never mentioned ever again. That's pretty much like being second to Big Lipped Alligator Moments.

"Yes, Envy, you have problems," Rose patted him on the back with the arm that wasn't holding her baby. She figured he could use a little love. Envy sulked. He was beginning to miss his Emo Corner. Wrath began to wonder if Envy's theme song was "Perfect" by Simple Plan. He was probably right.

"Anyway," said Army Ed (**AN: Get it? Get it? …I'm going to hell**), glowering at the author. "We're nicknaming the newbies." Other Ed blinked.

"How come we have to be nicknamed?" he grumbled.

"Because I don't want the author to keep calling me 'Army Ed'," Army Ed told him. He looked like he wanted to strangle the author. But he can't, because I'm over here, in the twenty first century, and he's over there, in the twentieth century. Loser doesn't even have an iPod. Nyeh.

"Wait, are we allowed to break the Fourth Wall?" Riza asked. "I mean, this fic is labeled Humor/Parody, so breaking the Fourth Wall seems a little pointless."

"Let's keep the Wall-breaking to a minimum," Van Hohenheim agreed. He stabbed the other Hohenheim for being such a shitty parent. Envy got off of Wrath, stabbed Hohenheim (of Light) again, and then hugged Hohenheim (Van).

"You're my new hero," he told him. Van patted him on the head.

"That's nice," he said. "But I'm going to die now." He and Father died because the author really didn't think this fanfic needed any more stupidity. Pride turned back into a baby, making his reappearance utterly pointless. Envy found a new Emo Corner and began to cry in it while the song "Solitude" by Evanescence began to play. The rest of the cast ignored him, which was probably a bad idea, considering that he was pretty much the most effective bad guy in the franchise, with the exception of King Bradley (Wrath-wise, anyway – the Pride version was just a dick).

"So now what?" Ed asked.

"Well, you're 'Ed' from now on," Army Ed decided. "I'll just be Edward."

"I'll be Al, then," Ponytail Al said.

"Okay," Beanpole Al agreed. "I guess I'm Alphonse." Envy turned into a duck.

"Quack," said the duck.

**AN: From here on out, only Riza is allowed to break the Fourth Wall at any given moment.**

Riza: Why me?

**AN: Haven't you ever seen a FMA parody fic (or abridged series)? You're the Only Sane Man.**

Riza: Okay, but please tell me there won't be any _N_MA jokes.

**AN: …ED'S A MAGICIAN!**

Riza: I hate you.

**AN: You'll live**.


	3. In Which There is 60 Less Plot

**AN: As I stated last chapter, only Riza is allowed to break the Fourth Wall on a regular basis. Also, to anybody wondering what the hell D'Hoffryn, the Lady, and Truth were doing last chapter: Who the fuck knows. Anyhow, don't expect updates to be regular. I might update three times a day, and then not update for a few months. I tend to forget about things. Hell, a chapter three is the furthest I've ever gotten. I'm on a roll!**

Envy was sleeping on the couch. When one hasn't slept at all in the last four hundred years due to hyperactivity, insomnia, and a bitchy, obsessive mother, one tends to get a little tired. Yes, that applies to Homunculi as well. So Envy was asleep on the couch, in Major General Mustang's office, and Roy was trying not to incinerate the alternate dimension counterpart of his best friend's murderer. Alternatively, Roy was trying not to incinerate the murderer of his best friend's alternate dimension counterpart. The latter sounded less cruel, and made him feel better, so that was the one he went with. It did, of course, help that Envy had chosen to remain in the form he had ended the last chapter in, and was therefore still a duck.

"Will someone get that duck out of here?" he snapped. Unfortunately, since the snap was verbal, nothing caught fire. Nobody paid attention to Mustang. Nobody _ever_ paid attention to Mustang. Riza, who also hadn't been paying attention but kind of knew what he wanted, pulled out a gun and shot the duck, which fell off the couch in a shower of duck-blood stained feathers. The duck glowered at her.

"Quack," the duck grumbled, clearing its throat. "You know, that could be considered animal cruelty."

"You stabbed me through the chest," Ed (the short guy with golden hair) reminded him. "That could be considered child abuse."

"Actually, I think that qualifies as murder," Alphonse (the beanpole) pointed out. "Which only Ed, Edward, Al, and I aren't guilty of here."

"I've never killed anyone," Rose and Rose's baby said. Rose glanced down at the child in surprise.

"You can talk?" she asked. The child shook its head.

"Of course not," it scoffed. "That wouldn't make any sense." And, with a puff of logic, the child went back to sleep.

"Ed's killed people," the duck pointed out. Everyone stared at him.

"Wait, really?" Edward (that's the taller one with blonde hair and two arms) asked. "Dude, what happened to 'I won't kill anyone ever'?"

"That only applies to humans," Ed crossed his arms, pouting. "Besides, the first one was an accident!"

"The _first_ one?" Alphonse yelped. "That's awful!"

"I don't see how it was accidental," Wrath interrupted. "I mean, stabbing someone through the chest usually means they die."

"Oh no, the first death wasn't the problem," said the duck. "Greed's death benefitted the entire world, if you ask me."

"Nobody asked you," Riza pointed out. The duck ignored her.

"Come to think of it, the only downsides to Sloth's death was Ed's _not_ crying about it, and Wrath's whining." The duck glared at Wrath. "It was your own fault your arm and leg were torn off."

"My own fault?" Wrath sputtered incredulously. "Your ax crazy bitch mother used the Gate to rip them off because I missed Mommy! How is that my fault?"

"Because I said so," the duck told him. "Duh."

"Your logic is different from our Amestrian logic," Ed told him. Riza groaned, knowing exactly where this would lead.

"Mine is much more advanced." Said the duck. Riza took a leaf out of Rose's book and began to bang her head against the wall. Suddenly, something caught Edward's attention.

"Hang on," he said. "Homunculi in your world have mothers?"

"Wrath's 'mommy' isn't his mommy," the duck told them. It turned its eyes into human eyes so it could roll them. "He just wishes she was. His real mom is Izumi Curtis."

"So my child survived in your world?" she asked. If ducks could smirk, this one would have.

"No," it sneered. "You brought the little shit back. That's what Homunculi are (in our world, at least) – the results of you humans and your goddamn inability to _follow the fucking rules_." Ed snorted.

"_You're_ lecturing _us_ on _rule-breaking_," he said flatly. "Oh, that's not hypocritical in any way, shape, or form. You can't blame us for trying to bring back a loved one. We didn't intentionally create you guys."

"We weren't created!" Envy returned to his usual form. "You stupid shit, we were human once too! Or do I need to remind you what I really look like?"

"Actually, I have a question about that," Wrath piped up. The bickering boys turned to look at him. "Dante said you died prematurely, right, Envy?"

"So?" Envy demanded. "What's that got to do with anything?"

"Well, the form you showed us looked eighteen, at the very least." He explained. "'Prematurely' usually means before birth, but it can also mean 'before maturity'. But that doesn't fit with what you showed us." Envy rolled his eyes.

"You died as a baby, dumbass," he said. "You should have figured it out by now – we age for a bit after we die."

"When do you stop aging?" Ed, ever the scientist, asked. Envy shifted.

"…When we eat the Red Stones," he admitted. "If we didn't, we'd pretty much just live like normal people. We'd age slower, and we'd be more durable. But the whole 'consuming human souls' thing changes our bodies and activates our unique abilities. And before you ask, Wrath had his powers before he ate the Red Stones because his power came from Ed's limbs, so he wasn't technically complete. Once he's finished regenerating his limbs, he should be able to use his own ability."

"But–" Ed started to speak but was cut off when Winry burst into the room.

"Ed!" she began to scold him before realizing that there was two of him.

"Oh no!" Riza hissed. "This is bad." Jean Havoc glanced at her.

"Eh? Why?" he asked. Riza's eyes narrowed.

"Edward, Alphonse, Envy, Rose, Winry, and Colonel Mustang are all in the same room!" she said. "Since Ed and Envy are always paired with everybody, a yaoi pairing war is bound to break out, especially due to Ed and Al's doubles!"

"You don't need to worry about that," said Envy, sliding in through the window. "The author ships Greedvy, and since I don't have a gender, that's the closest to yaoi this fic's gonna get."

"Aren't you dead?" Roy asked. "I'm pretty sure you committed suicide."

"Wait, you killed yourself?" Envy asked incredulously. "_Weak_."

"Maybe, but I'm still the only Homunculus not killed by a human," said Envy.

"What about me?" Greed asked, clambering through the window after his younger brother sister sibling.

"You're a traitor, and you don't count." Envy told him flatly. "Besides, I'm the author's favorite character, and the sixth most popular character in the series. That means I outrank _Scar_ and _General Armstrong_. You really thought I wouldn't pop up?"

"I was hoping," Roy admitted. "I suppose I can't kill you." Envy grinned.

"Nope!" it responded happily. "I have diplomatic immunity!" Greed smacked him upside the head. "Ow!"

"Moron," he grumbled. "The only reason you and I are here is because of nepotism and everyone knows it." Oh, is that what you think? Would you like me to kill you off now? I've got no problem with it – the less characters I have to manage, the better. "No, I'm good." Greed replied quickly.

**AN: And now, for a pointless omake:**

**Omake: Where Envy and Greed were for the last two chapters (WARNING: spoilers for **_**Puella Magi Madoka Magica**_**)**

"No, don't give up, Sayaka!" Envy wailed. "You don't need Kyousuke; you have Kyouko! Don't make her lose anyone else!" Greed glanced over at his sibling, who was currently watching _Puella Magi Madoka Magica_. This was the third time he'd had to sit through this particular episode, and it was one of the only four times he'd seen Envy cry while watching TV, the other three being when Tara died ("Poor Willow!"), when Bambi's mother died ("HUMANS ARE EVIL!), and when M. Night Shyamalan made The Last Airbender ("SHYAMALAN YOU SON OF A BITCH, YOU'VE RUINED THE FRANCHISE!).

"You've seen this show a million times," Greed pointed out, figuring that a million was probably pretty close to however many times Envy had actually seen the show. "The novelty should have worn off by now."

"I identify with Kyouko!" Envy snapped. "She killed herself too!"

"Well, I identify with Mami," said Greed dryly. "Every time I talk to you, you bite my head off." Envy snorted.

"Who cares about Mami?" it grumbled. "She tried to steal Madoka away from Homura!" Greed twitched. Now _that_ was too much.

"Hey, screw you!" he snarled. "Mami genuinely appreciated Madoka! Homura is just a selfish bitch who doesn't consider others' feelings!" Envy jumped to its feet.

"Homura was the first one to discover that Kyuubey was evil!" it yelled. "She just wanted to save Madoka!"

"She was causing all of Madoka's problem!" Greed yelled right back. "And Kyuubey wasn't evil; it's just a genderless freak doesn't have the capacity for emotion! Maybe _that's_ who you should identify with!" With a howl of rage, Envy leapt towards Greed, tackling him to the ground. The two proceeded to have the largest pairing war in history since the IchiRuki fans discovered that IchiHime was a legitimate possibility.

**EK3: And that's that!**

**Riza: If you wanted to write a PMMM story, you could have just done that rather than force a bunch of people to try and figure out what you're talking about. You didn't need to put it in an omake.**

**EK3: …LALALA I CAN'T HEAR YOU!**


End file.
